Charles Laughton, ‘The Private Life of Henry VIII’ (1933)
His Majesty Henry the Eighth of His Name, by the Grace of God, King of England, France, Ireland and Twitter, Defender of the Faith and of the Church of England and also of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head, Knower of All is gracing Queenanneboleyn.com with his presence to share his ultimate wisdom of how we all in modern times can finally after all our best efforts “unleash our inner Tudor”. With 77.4 thousand followers on Twitter, His Majesty reigns supreme on the internet, and justifiably so. He is an expert on politics, leadership, religion, tyranny, war, relationships — and cheese. Like his first bestseller, Assertio Septem Sacramentorum, His Majesty’s newest work, Unleash Your Inner Tudor, teaches his subjects all we need to know to live a good Christian life, the tried and true English 16th-century way.
Listen, we admit this has been an exciting week with finding Queen Anne Boleyn’s falcon and all. (Queenanneboleyn.com is so exciting about this find. We are all doing a happy dance all the way to Hampton Court Palace!) Some of our dearest friends Tracy Borman, James Peacock, and Sandy Vasoli were even in the thick of it. But someone has to all try and upstage the true historians — and who better than this guy?
Enjoy the interview. It is epic, simply epic.
Your Majesty, what compelled you to compose Unleash Your Inner Tudor?
Money. I’ve plundered all the monasteries and have confiscated the lands and estates of every member of the nobility I can possibly arrest and behead. Thank all mighty God for show trials is what I always say.
So, there I was, needing to replenish my treasury, standing on the balcony with a sweet summer breeze magnificently whispering through the cake crumbs in my beard when I had a thunderous epiphany. I would write a book! Everyone knows that’s the road to massive wealth! And not just any book but a volume of Tudor self-help! Henry VIII inspo!
Also, I live to inspire others. Wait. That really should have been my first answer. Maybe delete the money part. No one wants to hear that. They always want to hear that one produces art from a place of boiling passion.
Let’s start again.
I wrote “Unleash Your Inner Tudor” because I burn – burn! – to help others, to inspire and motivate them to become as amazing as I am, even if that’s impossible for peasants and ladies. The journey is the reward!
Buy my book and prepare to have greatness thrust upon you is what I always say! (Not the show trial bit. I never always say that.)
Besides Assertio Septem Sacramentorum and Unleash Your Inner Tudor, is your wisdom found in any other self-composed chronicles?
I make the world a more beautiful place each day, in fact several times a day on average, with my glorious tweets on Twitter. You’re welcome!
Majesty, Queenanneboleyn.com was delighted to see that your second wife, the rightful anointed queen, composed the forward. Was Cranmer unavailable? Did Catherine of Aragon refuse you? Did you pay her?
How can one ever know the mind of a woman? Why did Anne Boleyn agree to write such a profoundly and movingly complimentary forward to my book? My guess is that after a 500-year cooling off period, she’s seen that A) I was right.
I think she’s really come around, as they say, on the whole Henry VIII business that ended with the whistle of a French sword. All very unfortunate for me, obviously.
And I should add for all the doubters and haters out there that, yes, it really was Anne Boleyn who wrote that forward! It is not a fake as some have suggested (mostly lady historians). And I can bring forward a massive group of noble gentlemen who I have not paid to swear to that fact.
Do tell. Inquiring minds want to know. What is in your codpiece besides the ‘family jewels’?
A question of colossal rudeness! My codpieces are created to perfectly and exquisitely house the royal heir-making bits. How is that such a difficult concept for you lot? A big king with big palaces and big appetites and big ambitions and big shoulders and big history-shattering bigness requires a codpiece of appropriate size!
What bones do you prefer tossing about the flooring — pheasant, peacock, swan or turkey?
Majesty, why cheese?
Seriously? This is like asking why life.
Do you have any relationship advice for our other beloved ginger, Prince Henry, Duke of Sussex? Did you find it ironic that he and his dark-haired, brown-eyed wife stomped over your grave on the day of their marriage?
As you may know a ginger royal second son (the spare) named Harry marrying a foreign lady has been done before. (Me to Catherine of Aragon, just to be clear.) It did not end well. However in this case they banged out a male heir with such speed I couldn’t help but take it as a personal attack. In addition, I have indeed expected Prince Harry to DM me for relationship advice. As of this very moment that has not happened and I take that as a personal attack as well. So, as things stand unless he wishes to repair this relationship, and is looking for world-class advice, he can simply buy my bloody book like a bloody peasant!!
The crown… should it pass to Prince Charles or Prince William?
Look, I think it should go to whoever is willing to do the kingly thing and lead a massive and awesome and extremely frightening invasion of France. At the very least reclaim Calais. We need a king with ggggrrrrr and braaagghhh and haaaarrrrhhhh! I think you know what I mean.
Your Majesty, are you willing to share why Anne of Cleves, Katherine Howard, and Catherine Parr never fell with child while married to you?
Catherine Carey… yours or the other guy’s? You said, ‘never the mother’? Is that quote actually apocryphal?
As an incredibly, incredibly sexy man, women want me. Let’s just speak plainly. I am wanted. I am selling that which they wish to buy. This ship is one upon which they wish to sail. This grease-sweating roast pig’s head with an apple in the mouth is one that they wish to greedily devour. I could go on. I cannot recall every single moment of rumpity pumpity in a life so grandly lived. Nor would it be in good taste for me to do so. But I will say this: if you can imagine it, it probably happened. And that which you cannot imagine, probably happened as well.
Majesty, do tell us your wisdom in executing your most devoted ministers. Would Wolsey have faced the ax if he did not conveniently die on you?
Yes, I would have done and was rather put out that he shat himself to death depriving me of the opportunity. It was an insult to the crown.
Why did you bail Cranmer’s arse out each and every time? Just how many rings did you own, anyway? Did you know about the “wife in a box”?
Who had my back more than Cranmer? He was always, always, always there for me. When I needed him to annul, he annulled. When I needed support in naming myself as supreme head of the church, in which he stood to gain enormous power and influence, he supported me. When I needed him to give me biblical justification to behead my wives or nobles of the realm, he was right there with words of rationalisation, approval, and absolution. I will admit that I thought the whole “wife in a box” business was some sort of Advent calendar.
Majesty, do tell me about that wild weekend with the Duke of Suffolk and those teenagers.
Majesty, who is your favorite modern-day tyrant?
In chapter 20, you ask the questions of Anne Boleyn: “Will it be better than eating cheese?” “Will it be better than eating cheese whilst drinking wine?” “Will it be more fantastic than hurling Spaniards from the ower whilst eating cheese and drinking wine and shagging your sister?” Do tell.
Yes, this was in reference to the fact that she caused me to wait six years before we could do the old jump and thump. And I was wondering how amazing it would eventually be once the moratorium was lifted. In the end I much preferred cheese.
Jousting or tennis? Tennis or chess? Chess or sex? Sex or cheese? Cheese or wine? Majesty, what are your favorite passions?
My favourite passion is rumpity pumpity that begins with a cheese course and moves on to a surfeit of cake and wine and is choreographed like a jousting match. If you can’t imagine how this works, I cannot be expected to make up for a deficit of imagination.
Twitter – this seems like a complete waste of time, yet you rule supreme with over 77.4 thousand followers. Majesty, do tell us your ‘Twitter magic”? Who is your Groom of Tweets? Do you plan on knighting him?
My Twitter magic is simply my royal majesty being myself. If any of your readers wish to experience this level of dizzying success, they should also be as much me as they possibly can. People, I speak to you directly as your king, there is a sociopathic, narcissistic, obese, cheese-loving, ginger, Tudorlicious tyrant inside you – let him out!
As for my Groom of the Tweets, ugh. Without going into unnecessary detail, I am here in the 16th century and to communicate via Twitter in your era I must, regrettably, work through an intermediary. And let’s just say my options are limited. He does offer a basic ability to type my glorious thoughts into one of your Twitter boxes. Beyond that he has no discernable skills.
Do you have any final words of wisdom for us, Majesty?
Always remember, it is never too late to become the greedy, paranoid, lady-blaming, patriarchal despot of your dreams. Even in my case it didn’t happen right away. It took being unlucky in love/not getting a male heir plus a jousting-induced head injury to truly become the history-making thunder-radiating, mansplaining KILF of my dreams! As a peasant and or a lady, you clearly won’t be able to rise to my level – let’s be honest – but you can always put in an ineffectual effort!
Henry VIII is King of England and you can find him on Twitter: @knghnryviii. Besides being the world’s most important political pundit, he is well-known for his expertise in love, dating, marriage, gout, divorce issues, and how to be an amazing single dad. He is a widely celebrated winner of jousts, a cake enthusiast, and dance floor destroyer. He lists his hobbies as tyranny, vengeance, and poetry.