Underneath
Why? I keep asking the heavens why; I was able to bring Elizabeth to this world, safe and sound; and now, in this second chance I lost my baby… and I can not understand the reason. I was feeling well, all was perfect. Or wasn’t it?
Suddenly all has changed since the blood stained the so much wanting arrival of my now dead prince. Nothing is like it used to be a few weeks ago, when I still had the baby inside of me. My father does not speak to me; my brother avoids me, my mother only has words of fear for me and Henry… Henry is so cold; and when I look around, I see the glances of the ladies at court towards him. They smell my weakness, they feel this is the moment to approach and see if they can achieve what I did a long time ago.
I know Henry… I can see underneath his skin; his passion for me is dying; he wanted a son and I failed, twice. I reached for him last night and he rejected me, for the first time since we are together, he rejected my kisses, my caresses, my passion; that passion that made him move the world to be with me.
How I will face this? How I will endure this? Perhaps this is the punishment for my actions. When I think about this… I can see the eyes of Catherine of Aragon haunting me with tearful eyes… the tears she always hid in front of me. I can see the eyes of my still living enemies invading my dreams; telling me that God is punishing me for my actions against Rome and the Catholic Faithful.
I am back at court… everyone smiles to me, but they can see underneath my shining appearance; they can see that I am sad and displeased with life around me. And Henry… he is looking around for solutions… for ways to be away from me, for entertainment. I need his comfort, his love, and he is avoiding me, hunting around my ladies in waiting…and I am here, sitting in this throne as a silent witness; just like the former Queen did before me; God is making me feel what she felt, when I was the desired prospect of lover and she was the abandoned Wife.
I was so selfish during those days… I did not care for her pain, I was the most happy, that was the only thing important for me. I had his love and total attention, he was mine and I had no doubts… now… now I can see everything in clear state. Henry’s love is determined by his own desires and happiness; he chose me because he needed a younger and healthier wife to produce a son; he loved my passion, but not my soul. If he really loves me, he would not be acting like this. I am wounded and he does not care; he walks away and he does not say a word; he pushes me away. He yells at me and treats me like if I were not his wife and Queen. If I am not blessed with a son soon… this will be the end.
The night is young; he is dancing… all my ladies around, dying for his attentions; my mind is calling his name loudly; suddenly he looks up; finally I have his attention, I stand up and show him that I am still his Anne, that I am still young enough to please him as I did before; that I am still beautiful enough to make him go mad with desire; that I am still healthy enough to give him a son; and that my love for him is alive and even stronger than before. I am making him look underneath my sadness; he must see the truth of my love, the strength of my desires. I can not give up like Catherine did; I need to fight against the wolves and crows that are waiting for my fall. I have no real friends here… enemies grow by the minute… and those who are loyal to me feel the wrath of the King more than my own; that means that I will fight this battle alone; I am determined to win; I will give the King a son… even if that is the last thing I do.
