To Whom It May Concern:
It is a pleasure for Henry the Eighth, by the Grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland, Defender of the Faith and of the Church of England and also of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head to provide a character and professional reference for Sir Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk. The following lists my Lord of Suffolk’s notable strengths and accomplishments:
1. My Lord of Suffolk is an outstanding sportsman. He excells at jousting, tennis and hunting. This stated, as evidenced by direct observation, he is a poor archer.
2. My Lord of Suffolk is respectful of authority, following His Majesty’s commands, whether or not he agrees with them. This stated, he does continually whine about it.
3. My Lord of Suffolk is an excellent father to his children. This stated he does not know who they all are.
4. My Lord of Suffolk is fair and unbalanced in how he views others within his work team. This stated he engages in fraternisation, as evidenced by his secret marriage to His Majesty’s sister and very close friendship with the King himself.
5. My Lord of Suffolk fully takes on his job responsibilities with moral integrity. This stated he married his 14-year-old ward who was legally engaged to his son and has children with her. (See verification provided below.)
6. My Lord Suffolk follows all policies and procedures as outlined in His Majesty’s Personnel Policy Manual. This stated he consistently abridges the Realm’s Sexual Harassment and Other Unlawful Harassment Policy through the engagement of sexual relations with a variety of female subordinates.
Please feel free to contact the office of the Chief Minister and Secretary of His Majesty’s Realm should you have any questions or require additional information. Unfortunately, given His Majesty’s very busy schedule, he is unavailable to communicate with prospective employers directly.
Master Thomas Cromwell
Chief Minister and Secretary to the Realm of England and Wales